sometimes, the world blows

so, sometimes my job involves rather distasteful things. today is one of those days. my firm represents a company whose driver ran over and killed a young woman. i have to depose the administrator of the estate, the young woman's mother. i've going through documents and other things the plaintiff produced to prepare. it's pretty difficult because it seems this girl was beloved by her friends and colleagues alike. the outpouring of support and emotion is amazing, the breadth of it is striking, makes you wonder why certain lives are snuffed out when it seemed to be on this amazing trajectory....

at the same time, you wonder if your life would create something similar from people: do i have friends and colleagues who would feel the same way and write so eloquently about me? have i touched lives in some similar manner? have i accomplished things of the magnitude that this woman did, at a younger age than me? when i ask myself these questions, i'm left with the notion that the answer is no, that i'm not doing what i should be doing, that i'm not going where i should be going, that i'm not fully engaged with my life or my decisions that brought me here....that's actually the most painful part of this.